Talking About Adoption Issues: How Easy Is It?

A recent comment from Kerri, aged 16 years, prompted me to raise two issues about adoption: firstly, the courage it takes to actually speak about thoughts and feelings related to adoption; and secondly, knowing where to find support from people who understand these issues.

Let me address the latter issue first. Kerri was surfing the net during school time, found one of my blogs on the difficulty of contacting birth parents, and had time to write just a few lines about her own adoption experience. What came through was her frustration in not being able to find places where she could share her thoughts and feelings with people in the same situation. She is only 16, has been contacted by and met her biological grandparents, but her birth mother is absent from the scene because she has schizophrenia. Dealing with all the emotions that come with meeting birth families is hard enough for anyone, let alone for someone as young as Kerri. And on top of that, she has to cope with having a birth mother who isn’t well.

It takes me back to the chapter in my book, ‘Beyond the Red Door’, where I tried to paint a picture of the incredible array of feelings I experienced when I met my birth mother - who made it clear she wanted no further contact - and then was contacted by my biological grandparents who were desperate to meet me. To someone who is not adopted, being accepted by your natural family shouldn’t cause any problems. But there is so much at stake. There is confusion about why one part of the family wants you while the other doesn’t, excitement at being accepted, disbelief that it will last, fear that your adoptive parents might feel rejected, and fear of being rejected because of course, it can’t be true.

If you don’t know where to go with all these feelings, who to talk to, you can feel very cut off from the world around you. There are support services out there, counselors and social workers who specialise in the field of adoption. Sometimes it may not be about how to find them as much as taking that step to trust another person with your deepest thoughts and fears.

Why is it so hard? Because you feel different. You feel as though you shouldn’t have the sort of feelings you do, that you shouldn’t want to know your natural family, know more about your background. You might feel disloyal and ungrateful to your adoptive parents. And if your adoptive parents have put up a barrier to you expressing your thoughts on adoption, it becomes even harder to talk about how you feel.

when you do find the right counselor or support group, the relief is enormous. That’s when you discover there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling, that it is perfectly natural.

I remember the day I finally got the courage to see an adoption counsellor because I could no longer handle being bombarded with images of my birth father in the media. At that stage, I hadn’t searched for him. I wanted the counsellor to give me some technique to stop the feelings I was having. I nearly fell off my chair when she said, “It’s perfectly natural for you to feel this way. Why don’t you consider contacting him?”. So I wasn’t some half crazed loser after all!

In thinking about where to find support, I’ve just stumbled across a new website that specialises in international and transracial adoptions for all sides of the adoption triangle. It looks pretty comprehensive and is promoting a documentary that is being made about the issues in transracial adoption. The film will follow American adoptive parents who go to China to meet their new daughter, and an adult Korean adoptee living with white parents whose adoptive mother is diagnosed with a brain tumour, which brings up new issues of abandonment. The film will also incorporate comments from professional counsellors and social workers on the issues brought up by all parties concerned.

You can view the site at Adopted, The Movie They are wanting more input from adoptees, have a blog and film clips to view.

Kerri’s comments have reminded me just how isolated adoptees can feel, especially during the teenage years when so many questions surface about who we are. I hope she finds someone to support her.

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