Comments on: A Controversial Topic in Adoption? http://retinoblastomafocus.com/blog/a-controversial-topic-in-adoption/ Dealing with Retinoblastoma Sun, 27 Feb 2011 08:46:01 +0000 hourly 1 By: janet http://retinoblastomafocus.com/blog/a-controversial-topic-in-adoption/#comment-15736 janet Sun, 27 Feb 2011 08:46:01 +0000 http://retinoblastomafocus.com/blog/a-controversial-topic-in-adoption/#comment-15736 Greta, I feel very sad reading about your situation. It's not all happy endings in adoption. There's so much more to it, as you will know as a therapist. The issue of bonding depends on how old the child was when adopted, how much nurturing they got in the interim. I've heard of counsellors working with parents and adopted children who have attachment disorders. But you'll know all this. As for your biological daughter having to choose....how incredibly sad is that? I imagine she will come looking for you when her adoptive parents have passed away. That often happens. Why people think there has to be a choice between one or the other is a mystery. Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope things change for you in the future. Greta, I feel very sad reading about your situation. It’s not all happy endings in adoption. There’s so much more to it, as you will know as a therapist. The issue of bonding depends on how old the child was when adopted, how much nurturing they got in the interim. I’ve heard of counsellors working with parents and adopted children who have attachment disorders. But you’ll know all this.
As for your biological daughter having to choose….how incredibly sad is that? I imagine she will come looking for you when her adoptive parents have passed away. That often happens. Why people think there has to be a choice between one or the other is a mystery.
Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope things change for you in the future.

]]> By: Greta http://retinoblastomafocus.com/blog/a-controversial-topic-in-adoption/#comment-15735 Greta Sun, 13 Feb 2011 19:40:26 +0000 http://retinoblastomafocus.com/blog/a-controversial-topic-in-adoption/#comment-15735 As a person who gave up a child, and adopted two, and became a therapist, I have a perspective on the subject. When my biological daughter was 21, I wrote a letter to be put in her file, so she would know I wanted to meet her. I eventually met her, and it was a joy for both of us, I think. We strongly resemble each other, and even use our hands in the same way. We saw each other yearly as we lived in different states, but sadly ten years down the road when her adoptive parents found out about our reunion, they gave her an ultimatum: her or us. She chose them, because her adopted brother committed suicide, and she felt obligated. I lost her twice. The pain is still raw after many years. I encouraged my adopted children to search for their biological parents if they wanted to. I even offered to go along if it would help. My daughter contacted her bio mother and father. Her mother wouldn't meet her for years, and her father denied her. It appears now that neither of my adopted children bonded with me, as they have nothing to do with me now. What do I think about adoption? Personally it has been a tragedy. As a person who gave up a child, and adopted two, and became a therapist, I have a perspective on the subject. When my biological daughter was 21, I wrote a letter to be put in her file, so she would know I wanted to meet her. I eventually met her, and it was a joy for both of us, I think. We strongly resemble each other, and even use our hands in the same way. We saw each other yearly as we lived in different states, but sadly ten years down the road when her adoptive parents found out about our reunion, they gave her an ultimatum: her or us. She chose them, because her adopted brother committed suicide, and she felt obligated. I lost her twice. The pain is still raw after many years.

I encouraged my adopted children to search for their biological parents if they wanted to. I even offered to go along if it would help. My daughter contacted her bio mother and father. Her mother wouldn’t meet her for years, and her father denied her. It appears now that neither of my adopted children bonded with me, as they have nothing to do with me now. What do I think about adoption? Personally it has been a tragedy.

]]> By: janet http://retinoblastomafocus.com/blog/a-controversial-topic-in-adoption/#comment-12793 janet Fri, 17 Aug 2007 04:03:51 +0000 http://retinoblastomafocus.com/blog/a-controversial-topic-in-adoption/#comment-12793 Christine, Thank you so much for your very astute comments and perspective. I agree with you totally that both interest and a need to know exist between parties separated by adoption. As you said, guilt and denial can be road blocks in forming and maintaining relationships. I also think that some birth parents may feel they don't have the right to be part of the adoptee's life as they have not contributed to that person's development. They stand back, not wanting to be seen as taking any credit for the adoptee's achievements in life. This may be part of the guilt and shame that is so common in adoption. This goes for adoptees, too. That whole issue of whether they have the right to be involved in their birth families' lives can get in the way of forming firm relationships. As you said, the issues in adoption are complex. There is no one single reason why some reunions don't succeed. Christine,

Thank you so much for your very astute comments and perspective. I agree with you totally that both interest and a need to know exist between parties separated by adoption. As you said, guilt and denial can be road blocks in forming and maintaining relationships. I also think that some birth parents may feel they don’t have the right to be part of the adoptee’s life as they have not contributed to that person’s development. They stand back, not wanting to be seen as taking any credit for the adoptee’s achievements in life. This may be part of the guilt and shame that is so common in adoption.

This goes for adoptees, too. That whole issue of whether they have the right to be involved in their birth families’ lives can get in the way of forming firm relationships.

As you said, the issues in adoption are complex. There is no one single reason why some reunions don’t succeed.

]]> By: Christine http://retinoblastomafocus.com/blog/a-controversial-topic-in-adoption/#comment-12775 Christine Wed, 15 Aug 2007 14:55:45 +0000 http://retinoblastomafocus.com/blog/a-controversial-topic-in-adoption/#comment-12775 Hi Janet, Interesting post! In working with all sides of the adoption community, as a clinical psychotherapist, even though there are some reunions that may have "growthing blocks" at first (and what reunion doesn't when one is getting acquainted with the other part, as in any day-to-day relationship), for the most, reunions do work out. It takes time to get to know each other, as in any other relationship. I have not read Jones' book, however I can provide a perspective based on professional and personal experiences. I do disagree with Jones' message: "Jones’ message is clear. When parents and children are forced apart by adoption, the “bond”, albeit biological, has been broken and is not strong enough to ensure a connection when these parties meet later on in life"; Since every person is different and unique, so is each reunion and relationship that is build. One cannot deduce that the bond is not strong enough to ensure a connection, as a generalization. There is a longing in every parent and child forced apart by adoption, who wants to know about the other party (those that don't, in my experience are experiencing fear and perhaps denial because of the historical shame and guilt that is carried. Often times parties will talk about a "black hole" in the pit of their stomaches....a feeling of emptiness.... both natural mothers/fathers and adoptees fantasize about the other (what they would be like, look like, etc.). It's only in reunion can these questions be answered and for all parties to heal from the separation. There is a lot of grief and pain that all parties carry...feelings of abandonment and rejection, etc. As a reunited adoptee, aside from being a certified pre/post-adoption, adoption reunion counsellor/coach, in the end, the nature of adoption is very complex and multi-faceted. Hi Janet,

Interesting post! In working with all sides of the adoption community, as a clinical psychotherapist, even though there are some reunions that may have “growthing blocks” at first (and what reunion doesn’t when one is getting acquainted with the other part, as in any day-to-day relationship), for the most, reunions do work out. It takes time to get to know each other, as in any other relationship.

I have not read Jones’ book, however I can provide a perspective based on professional and personal experiences. I do disagree with Jones’ message: “Jones’ message is clear. When parents and children are forced apart by adoption, the “bond”, albeit biological, has been broken and is not strong enough to ensure a connection when these parties meet later on in life”;
Since every person is different and unique, so is each reunion and relationship that is build. One cannot deduce that the bond is not strong enough to ensure a connection, as a generalization. There is a longing in every parent and child forced apart by adoption, who wants to know about the other party (those that don’t, in my experience are experiencing fear and perhaps denial because of the historical shame and guilt that is carried. Often times parties will talk about a “black hole” in the pit of their stomaches….a feeling of emptiness…. both natural mothers/fathers and adoptees fantasize about the other (what they would be like, look like, etc.). It’s only in reunion can these questions be answered and for all parties to heal from the separation.

There is a lot of grief and pain that all parties carry…feelings of abandonment and rejection, etc. As a reunited adoptee, aside from being a certified pre/post-adoption, adoption reunion counsellor/coach, in the end, the nature of adoption is very complex and multi-faceted.

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